Mental Health Advocate

When I was young, I was bullied for multiple things. I was bullied for being fat--there was this one instance where I tried to make a friend, but he said that he didn’t “want to be friends with obese people.” More than just my physical appearance, I also got bullied for being too slow, unfocused, or distracted. It made me feel really stupid—something that I still am insecure about today. It would take me four times longer than an average person to read or do my homework. I would stay up more hours just to be able to keep up with everyone else, no matter how tired I was.

Although these may not seem like much, when you are a child, things like these stick to you and contribute to your lack of self-esteem. More than just being bullied, I was sexually assaulted at a young age. Honestly, I could name many other reasons for the cause of my depression, but the main reason was that I couldn’t take it.

All of this finally manifested when I entered college. I’d often get panic attacks whenever I felt triggered. The best way I could describe the feeling is that it’s something similar to that of an asthma attack. I was scared to have a panic attack in front of people because I didn’t want anyone to have to worry about me, so I would hide. Moreover, I felt like I was slowly becoming unmotivated. This lack of will was definitely the hardest for me wherein it came to the point that I didn’t attend class for a month and I didn’t even care.

It came to a point that I didn’t see the need to live anymore. Eventually, my friend sent me to the guidance office and the people there sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder, which explained all of the things I have been feeling and the things that I have been going through at the time.

Despite my diagnosis, no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get over my depression on my own. It took so many people who were willing to be there for me before I overcame it. There were times when my twin would literally drag me out of bed just to get me to get up in the morning. She’d text my friends to go out and have lunch with me. My yaya even told me “Dai, halos araw-araw ko naririnig ang suicide. Mahal kita at kaya mo yan. Nandito ako para sayo.”

My mom was also very helpful. She gave me everything that I needed to help me get through it. My dad on the other hand had a very hard time with it. He didn’t really understand me. He kept saying, “just choose to be happy.” It made me frustrated because I wanted to be happy just like he said. Despite this, I knew he loved me. I went home crying one day and and my dad hugged me and said, “Anak, nandito ako para sayo. Ilabas mo.” From then on, whenever I’d go home crying, he would just hug me and let me cry my heart out.

It was also more than the people close to me. There was a time when I was having a major breakdown. There was this girl who approached me and asked me if I was okay and then hugged me. I didn’t even know who she was. She was like, “Do you want to sit down and talk about it?” After that, she asked me if I was feeling better. She even made a joke, and I ended up laughing, then she hugged me again. I thought, Oh my god, people are so kind! This girl who barely knew me took time out of her day just to make me feel better.

Throughout this entire experience, I realized that I am valuable. One of the most important things that I learned along the way was knowing that my depression lied to me. I remember my psychiatrist giving me a list of common thoughts of depressed people such as “I’m such a failure” or “everyone hates me" and teaching me to correct my thinking. I learned how to distinguish the thoughts that were real, and those that were false. This is important because depression makes you think that you aren’t capable of doing anything, when in fact you actually are. It’s important to know that you still have the ability to accomplish things and the ability to improve. We are all human after all.

With this point of view, I was able to do good things. The way I define good is best stated through that of which Bobby Guevara says “Immerse yourself in the world. Makisangkot ka sa mismong mundo.” When I was on a leave of absence, I went travelling, did volunteer work, and immersions. This allowed me to meet people who widened my perspective. Around February of last year, I posted “Free Hugs” on Ateneo Trade and I shared my story there. It was good, some people came up to me, some people looked for hugs, they said, “Oh I really need a hug right now, I need a friend, it’s midterms week, can you help me?” It was just really nice to relate to people. It was scary, but so many people were so nice to me. When you open yourself up to people, they will do the same.

Doing good made me challenge my own depression by helping the people around me. Lastly, remember that you are never a burden. You are a wish granted. This was the statement that struck me most when I had group therapy. Even though these words were not meant for or said to me, it felt like these words were mine to hold on to and I think maybe other people might find that these words will help them too.

— Alexis Mallonga

#OurSanggu

If you or someone else you know is struggling with depression or has had self-harming thoughts, do not hesitate to seek help from local confidential support services or call the HOPELINE through (02) 804-HOPE (4673) or 0917-558-HOPE (4673).